I’m looking for a word that has the complexity of “schadenfreude” but is about how you might be thankful or grateful for something but at the same time annoyed, angered, or saddened by it at the same time. Anyone have a good word in English or another language?

Anger:

For the fifth or sixth time in our ten year marriage (yes, I am married), Ray and I repeated a ritual. We got up early, printed out some forms and went on a scavenger hunt looking for a notary public to witness our domestic partnership. Its just a form like the many forms before it where we have to meet some awkward definition of what the state or a corporation feels makes a domestic partnership. As always, we confirmed our relationship standing in a UPS store half-awake with a stranger taking our fingerprints. That really isn’t my idea of romance.

On these forms (pdf) there is generally a list where you must meet x requirements. You always have to have the same address and you have to be “in a caring relationship.” The rest of the rules are pretty fluid, but one form the list was so specific we didn’t qualify! The requirements were all about the finances of our relationship. We had to own a car together, own a home together (lease doesn’t count), or have a joint checking. We each happen to own our own car, we rent an apartment, and for organizational purposes we maintain separate accounts. If I can’t show my love for Ray by having a civil marriage, putting him on my MasterCard is a close second, no?

Beyond the absurdity are the limits these affidavits place on our relationship. For straight couples the definition of marriage after the civil registration is largely a matter of mutual consent and personal morality. For us, if we want to get the benefits of togetherness we have to accept certain requirements imposed by corporations.

• Should we invalidate straight marriages when work makes couples live apart temporarily?
• Why isn’t our relationship valid in many cases until we have lived together for certain amounts of time?
• Do straight people have to sign an affidavit about their monogamy when getting health insurance for their spouse?
• Why do we have to maintain common accounts when we can’t file taxes jointly (even when married)?

Thankfulness:

I don’t want to be completely negative about this. I deeply appreciate Yahoo!’s offering full domestic partner benefits at the same level as legal spouses. The process for proof was far easier and a bit more dignified than anywhere I have worked before.

In fact, the three places I have worked in the SF Bay area have offered domestic partner benefits at some level. The most interesting of these was Enluminent/eStudio. At the time I was hired, I believe I was their first gay employee. As one way of sizing up a prospective company, I always ask about partner benefits in my interview. They had either already given it thought or it was such a no-brainer that they immediately decided to cover it. Either way, I am grateful.

I am eternally thankful for Mayor Gavin Newsom’s support for gay marriage last year. It meant a lot to us, but also to my family and friends that evenly briefly we were actually married. The picture at the top of the post is the spot in San Francisco City Hall where we were actually married.

I am also thankful (mostly) for State Domestic Partner laws. It is less than we deserve but more than we had.